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Changes to pages 27,28,29,32

Page 27: Change Penelopy’s dialog of “Somthing interesting over there” to “What’cha looking at trixie?”  Remove Penelope’s “don’t tell me you want to join those geeks” dialog, Redraw trixie in the last panel so she has a ‘fuck this’ attitude, and change her dialog to something like “That laughter. It’s so annoying” Maybe use the added space for the “hey listen up”

Page 28: Add panel with “HEY, LISTEN UP” like its been shouted (possibly on the previous page). Add panel with a member of the kitchen staff (REFERENCE TIME) saying “5 More minutes for lunch! Please rember to return your trays before you head to the lake for kayaking” Delete first panel. Change dialog in second panel to somethign like “I’m going to go the restroom to touch up my make-up”. Add a panel where trixie dissapears into the croud with the veiwpoint being over a sad veronica’s shoulder. Change the dialog in the panel with veronica to “can i come Trixie?” instead of “can i help” keep the panel and dialog where trixie is walking towards timmantha, scrap the first panel on the bottom and replace it with the last one on the bottom but change the dialog to “um, er…” “Hi…” Keep the middle panel on the bottom the way it is but have timmantha giving a slight smile instead of a :<.

Page 29: CHange the dialog in the first panel to “Come with me, I need to talk to you in private.”

PAGE 32: Edit veronica’s dialog to something that references trixie going to the bathroom

It’s also plausible to do a simple text edit if need be. Which I am already working on.

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5 responses

  1. actually it’s a completely necessary plot point.

    June 9, 2011 at 11:54 PM

  2. kanamag

    They might be waiting for friends, but that doesn’t mean Veronica has to walk in on them. Doesn’t feel like a good plotpoint to me.

    June 9, 2011 at 11:21 PM

  3. I couldn’t agree more with you on this, J’s art is something we all can respect since it sorts of eases things threw, into the next scene. JanPanda have always been the most influential so will pick-up from there and throw something together. Gathered a ton from what we discussed in IRC…

    *Making a list of things needing to be tweaked
    *Characters are all set for use and re-use
    *The rest too many to worry about let alone mentioning!

    June 9, 2011 at 8:57 PM

  4. >I think better would be someone asking “what’s up trixie” and trixie replying “That laughter. It’s so annoying”.
    I agree.

    Trixie is just using the bathroom as an excuse to leave the table alone to go talk to timmantha.

    >Also, going with what I said for page 27 & 28, I don’t feel it’s natural that Veronica & Goo are still in the messhall. They should leave the building.
    Well they are waiting for their friends.

    June 9, 2011 at 8:52 PM

  5. kanamag

    Page 27. Don’t have her say “non of your business” and then immediately “it’s just think that”. Totally contradictory.

    I think better would be someone asking “what’s up trixie” and trixie replying “That laughter. It’s so annoying”.

    Page 28. Don’t have Trixie talking to Timantha outside the restroom. Have a sequence where Trixie is walking to the restroom. Timantha is alone, can be explained because she was thinking so much on page 23. She didn’t eat and the others are done before her. “Oh my god I was thinking about trixie so much I didn’t eat my lunch”.

    Trixie walks by Timantha and whispers “come to the restroom”.

    Page 29 gets scrapped because of changes to page 28. Only thing that remains of the old 28 would be Trixie heading off and leaving Veronica.

    It’s probably too much for 1 page, so the plan for page 28 can probably be stretched till half of page 29.

    Also, going with what I said for page 27 & 28, I don’t feel it’s natural that Veronica & Goo are still in the messhall. They should leave the building.

    I know Zed likes J’s art, but that doesn’t mean we should sacrifice on what feels natural.

    June 9, 2011 at 8:45 PM